CW depression, suicide, self-harm
Okay. If you follow me on Mastodon or have read my latest post here, you probably know already that I’ve had a bit of a crisis last night. I’m talking full on crying, anxiety crisis, feeling worthless and wanting to hurt and kill myself. This was not, as you can imagine, any fun, and now I’m exhausted. I went to sleep around 4AM, woke up at noon, and I’ve just spent almost my entire day watching anxiety crisis and depression management videos on YouTube (I actually made a playlist for mental health videos). Which has left me feeling like crap because I should really be studying. Plus, I have a meeting tonight that I have not prepared for. And I’m late on writing my essay and my thesis. ANYHOW. I’ve planned on doing an article on what crises feel and look like, so I guess now is as good a time as any. I don’t think I’ll be able to get anything done anyways, and even though right now I’m trying not to feel guilty for spending time on this rather than everything else that needs my attention…….. Okay, I’m trying not to think about it and just write but fuck it’s hard – invasive thoughts… Btw if you want to know more about that, John Green’s last book, Turtles All The Way Down, is exceptional.
So how did this happen? Well, right now things are quite heated in France, as you may know. People are getting hurt. I feel like shit for not being there, and I don’t even see a purpose to my studies right now. And, as I was saying last night, I know I’m lucky to be here, studying, but it kind of makes it worse, because I shouldn’t be complaining and I should be using this time and opportunity to go great things, and I’m just lying in bed crying. Damned this is difficult to write. Because putting words on what’s happening and what I’ve been feeling just makes me feel all those things again. I don’t want to give myself another panic attac. I’ve talked before about what I do to try to get better when crises happen, but right now I feel so exhausted. And some part of me knows that’s just the depression talking, that if I made myself get up and do stuff I would feel better afterwards, and I feel like crap for not doing it, which makes me want to curl up and cry even more. This is just a difficult vicious circle to get out of. I’ve talked about depression before but never during a crisis, this is hard. I can even feel my hands typing so much slowler than usual, as if they’re reluctant to write this stuff down. Right now, the only copying mechanism that I can do is eating chocolate. But it’s not even that great because I feel guilty eating chocolate and not exercising. Oh, and having people talk about other stuff. I do feel bad because I feel I’m using my friends for help rather than genuinely talking to them. But reaching out and having them talk about completely unrelated stuff is soooooooo helpful. I don’t know if you’re reading this but if you are, thank you. I don’t want to write your names because I don’t know if you’re okay with that but thank you.
I need to find a way to break this cycle, but I don’t know that I will be able to. If I die, it’s not that I didn’t love you enough to live, I tried. I don’t really want to end this article with that sentence because it’s depressing so here’s another sentence to make it okay.